FEATURE
CAN WE TALK?
The RSGC community keeps the mental health conversation open on all sides.
BY KAREN SUMNER
What do we know about mental health issues in youth aged 16 to 24? For one, we know that this is a time of life when depression, anxiety and substance use disorders are most likely to emerge. Second, that for this age group, 2009 was an inflection point in Ontario. That’s the year that mental health and addiction visits to hospital emergency departments soared – and they have stayed high since then. “The good news is that young people are more comfortable than ever before with disclosing and discussing mental health issues,” said Paul Kurdyak, the Director of Health Systems Research at the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health, an Associate Professor in the Department of Psychiatry at the University of Toronto, and the father of Robert Kurdyak ’17. “They more readily believe there is no stigma in mental illness, which means they are willing to seek help. The bad news is that our mental health services are difficult to access, hence the ER visits.” Paul adds that mental health issues exist along a continuum. They can arise at any time in response to our surrounding environment. This partly explains why teens are especially vulnerable. They experience significant stresses in their changing social circles, exposure to media, ongoing identity formation, and also in response to world events, such as our climate crisis and the coronavirus pandemic. How can we help young people manage their stresses? Paul supports the five golden rules offered by jack.org: say what you see (start a conversation), show you care (build trusting relationships), hear them out (be a good listener), know your role (maintain healthy boundaries), and connect to help (learn how to access resources). These apply to both adults and youth. “Adults who adopt a position of humility can do a lot to help,” he said. “Don’t be the expert. Ask questions. Say, ‘I don’t understand.’ Say, ‘I would like to hear more.’ Youth-to-youth support is also very effective. The more young people can talk to each other about what they’re experiencing, the better they understand how typical it is to have mental health struggles. There’s comfort and strength in numbers.” Andrea Kaye, one of RSGC’s two Social Workers, agrees that opportunities for youth to talk – to the adults in their lives and to each other – play a leading role in supporting their mental health and general wellness. “When students share their stories with each other, they normalize their struggles,” she explained. “Young people sometimes think things will never change. They can’t see how tomorrow will be different from today. So, when a younger student hears from a Grade 12 about how socially isolated they felt in Grade 9, or about how their parents’ divorce affected them, it opens up space. And it sends the message that things will get better.” Andrea facilitates conversations among students in her office and also organizes a more formalized structure where older students visit Grade 9 classes and share their stories. In addition to learning how common it is to have daily worries and stresses, the younger boys get a clear message: Whatever is going on with you now will change. You won’t be the same person in Grade 12. “These conversations also help the older students reflect on their life journey before graduation,” Andrea said. “They can think about what they have achieved and where they still struggle. Sometimes they need help seeing that they are more than their grades and that there isn’t one road to success. It’s important that adults send the same message – especially before starting university, when students are coping on their own for the first time.”
Karen Jones hears a lot from students who find first year at university to be especially challenging. Parent of Nick ’17 and Chris ’15, she knows of many of their peers who use alcohol and drugs to manage anxiety and depression. She has even visited Queen’s University to talk to students about the pressures they feel, their internal expectations of themselves, and how they cope. Karen, crisis responder and mental wellness coach for youth, conveys to students that anxiety and depression are normal human responses to stress that can escalate to become mental health illnesses if not managed appropriately.
“The question is, when the body is warning us that something isn’t right, do we respond by addressing the threats and causes? Or do we self-medicate and mask? A lot of young people distract themselves with substance use and social media. Those aren’t effective strategies. We need to help them develop resilience and the skills required to problem-solve and cope.” Parents can help children and teens to develop those skills by ensuring they have time away from social media, activities that involve connecting to people and nature, and age-appropriate opportunities to fail and bounce back. Social media overstimulates brains, crowding out the periods of calm and reflection needed to process emotions and experiences. It also publicly documents their every move and sets up unrealistic comparisons to others who appear to have it all. In addition, Karen says, we live in an age of over-parenting when kids aren’t often left to fend for themselves, even in the smallest ways like making their own meals or living with the fact that they forgot an assignment at home – without having a parent deliver it for them. “I’ve been guilty of doing too much at times,” said Karen. “It’s something for all parents to reflect on. Do we want our children to build the emotional strength to deal with setbacks? Have realistic expectations of themselves? Become self-reliant? If so, parents need to step back and let the normal failings and disappointments of life take their course, while being emotionally supportive.” Like other experts, Karen believes that ongoing conversations about thoughts, emotions and mental health issues are of paramount importance. This is not about parents giving advice or entering a debate. It’s about listening, validating feelings and asking open-ended questions. Sometimes, that kind of listening can even come from a stranger. That’s why Karen founded Overflo, which offers anonymous texting support lines for young people to reach out and talk to a qualified responder. Teens are encouraged to explore their thoughts and feelings, and empowered to discover resources, weigh options, solve problems and develop coping strategies.
JAMES CARDY '12
Since his graduation in 2012, James Cardy has seen a lot of positive change in the conversation around mental health – in education, in families, between friends and through resources like Overflo. Jamie had a difficult time finding his place after he arrived at RSGC, and responded by setting low expectations for himself and establishing unhealthy coping habits that caught up with him at university. “In high school, I wanted to feel normal, I wanted to belong,” he said. “I spent two years trying to find out where I fit in, and I ended up making regrettable decisions in my social life. I spent a lot of time drinking, smoking weed, underperforming. And I thought I knew what I wanted to do: become a General Manager at a Four Seasons hotel. I loved the hospitality industry, and that’s what I set my sights on. But I was selling myself short. I could have reached higher.”
Jamie headed to Guelph University for hotel management, limped through his first year and crashed in his second. He spent most of his time sleeping and partying until, finally, he realized he was not healthy enough to be in school. His mom came to pick him up and, two weeks later, he was in rehab in Colorado.
“Substance addiction was never my real problem,” Jamie said. “I was lost. I was depressed. I didn’t know who I was or why I was doing anything. So, I started to focus on my mental health. And I now have a self-care routine that includes going to the gym, seeing a therapist, getting outdoors into sunlight and continuing to learn about myself.” Jamie went back to school, joined his family business and recently shared his story with RSGC students. “I said to them, ‘You can’t tell from the outside, but everyone is going through something. Everyone is struggling. Be compassionate toward each other. Be understanding. And take care of yourself, too.’ People can experience periods of anxiety and depression. It can come and go. Mental health is a fluid concept. I wanted them to know that no matter what the boy beside you looks like – as a student, as an athlete, as a friend – he may be having a tough time. Reach out and show you care.”
Jamie believes he has benefited from a more open cultural conversation about mental health. When he first arrived at RSGC, the topic was only beginning to gain momentum. Today, Head of Senior School Paul O’Leary says that the College works hard to focus as much on wellness as on academics. “The priority is to keep the dialogue open,” he said. “Students in schools like this put a lot of pressure on themselves to be successful – academically, socially, athletically – so it’s important for us to provide a counter balance and support them however we can. The more we talk about what it’s like to be a young person today, the more we listen to their experiences, the better we support our boys’ wellness.” The College has formed a Wellbeing Group that meets every week to discuss individual boys who may need additional support. It also gathers feedback from alumni at university to better understand the challenges they face and how RSGC can continue to prepare all students well for post-secondary life. Today, that preparation needs to be as much social-emotional as academic. Paul also encourages parents to reach out and connect to the school if they have any concerns about their sons. “Let’s keep the dialogue open on all sides,” Paul said.
